2014 has surely been an unforgettable year, I have had so many amazing opportunities and I have met so many amazing people, but not all of my year was amazing. There was a good solid 2 months of awful in there from September, until right before November. (Nothing would have affected my NaNoWriMo, thats for certain) The problem is, is I haven’t talked about what happened. I have had it bottled up inside and though it doesn’t really bother me anymore, I do still get a little sad, especially with the holidays here. So this post is going to be kind of talking about that, to the best of my ability, and then I am going to set it free, and clean my slate for the new year. Therapeutic almost!
I was the president and founder of a college club, a huge one that I loved and cared for more than a lot of things. We were a system, of friends making new friends as we went on and we had a lot of plans. I tried to make a move to better the club, I tried to take the club out of the college so that it could grow more, with more opportunities. Everyone was on the same page as me, until two of my best friends decided to revolt and turn everything against me. They cut contact with me, they announced their new presidency, and the school club representative apparently released a notice to the club (of almost 200 people that were my friends) that they were not to speak or communicate with me. I think I was getting a little too stressed out to handle being president anymore, so I am glad that this part happened, but nothing could have prepared me for the loss of my best friends.
For sake of privacy, no names will be used, but the first friend was the easier one to lose. I know that sounds horrible, but for the last little bit, being friends with her things hurt more than they didn’t. I couldn’t stand being around her because everything was negative all the time. I tried to help her the best I could, but nothing would give. It was just constant beef with everyone and everything, and for the last little bit she would take that anger out on me, saying all kinds of negative things about me, or my life, or hobbies. I could go deeper into it but I won’t. I don’t know, the once blissful sisterly bond we had must have worn out and maybe it would have been alright eventually, but neither of us stuck it out long enough to see. Like I said, after that was over, it kind of felt better.
The second one was the one that caught me completely off guard. We had been friends since school had started, and we went through everything together. There was always underlying anger problems that I didn’t agree with but I just kind let them do their thing. We disagreed on a bunch, but at the end of the day he was like an older brother to me. Ironically enough he was the one that would console me or reassure me that things would get better between myself and the negative friend. We had a lot of plans for the years to come, but he lead the chain of betrayal that was soon to come. He used harsh words and anger that had never been directed at me, when all I wanted was an explanation, he called me all kinds awful things. It was just really unexpected. I mean I expected it from the first one but not from him at all.
I’ve never been the enemy, but I am being treated like one and for a while that was what hurt the most. I started falling back into my depression, with a few scary outbursts, and I almost dropped out of school. No one at the school would help me figure things out, I just wanted the harassment to stop ( I was getting nasty and condescending emails from a worker at the school) and then finally I got the call from the conduct officer at the school. We spoke and she assured me that all of the communications would cease and that they definitely didn’t want me to drop out. She offered her help and the services of our school and I couldn’t be more thankful for that.
Other Things and People I am Thankful for:
I couldn’t be more thankful for my amazing boyfriend, who hugged me and wouldn’t let go when things were their toughest. He assured me that things would pass and that it would all be okay. Never in a million years did I ever think we would have had to go through this, but he was by my side the whole time and I love him even more for it.
My family, especially my mother, who swooped in and took her baby bird home for what would have been a week, if I didn’t miss Steve so much.
I am also so so thankful for all the friends who stuck by me, who made the tough times easier to deal with. The friends who heard about what was happening and instead of following the suit of the club, they chose to stick with me!
I’d really also like to say that I am so thankful that I met the lovely Sam and Cory. If it wasn’t for them and their cats, I’d probably still be a wreck. Though we haven’t known each other long it feels like it has been years and years and it feels like family. I love you both to pieces and I am so thankful to have you in my life.
Setting it Free:
There are a lot of things that I wouldn’t have been able to do this last half of the year if it wasn’t for what happened with the club, and so I have nothing to be sad for in that regard. Yes I love those people, but if contact has been compromised because of what happened, then we were not meant to be friends at all. I’m setting my mind and heart free from the pain this incident has caused and in 2015, I will no longer feel scared to step foot on campus, I will not feel scared when passing by them in the halls.
If it wasn’t for the falling out of myself and my two best friends, I would still be living in an overcast of negativity and a rain of hatred and anger for everything. I would still be holding the weight of their darkness on my shoulders and I would still be feeling all the pain they felt. I would still be in two of the most one-sided friendships I had ever been a part of, where all that mattered was that they were being taken care of. I’m setting my heart and mind free from the pain that these losses caused me, and I will constantly show gratitude and love to those who I know will never do what those people did to me. I will remind myself that not all people are so hurtful and that I should still trust people. I will not feel upset when I see them, but I will feel sorry for them, knowing that they are probably still miserable, and not living their lives to the fullest. I will only appreciate my close friends more now, and will never compare them to those in the past.
The past in the past, and the present is rolling in, I know that this may seem so cheesy to some of you, but as someone who does not worship any specific religion or have any real reservations for spirituality at this point in my life, this was very therapeutic for me, and it was more the imaging that I needed. If it is any consolation I actually feel lighter and a little less weight in my heart. I started my morning with positivity and resolution and that was what I needed.
I now hold a clean slate for 2015, and for that I couldn’t be more thrilled!
Stay tuned for some more posts later on today, I have some big plans for TLP in 2015, and some pretty big announcements!
Stay true to yourselves and tell each of your loved ones that you love them today, get on the phone, get on your email, pull out the pen and paper and stamps, just go tell them you love them, and leave a comment below telling me how it felt!
Love you all so much,